I was walking home from my philosophy class on Wednesday and a thought came to me about my first crush (he was the philosophical: deep, meditative, smart, artistic.... I had a huge crush on him, for years. I did eventually do something about it. Unfortunately, it didn't go as well as planned.

Rewind to 1995. Grade 9. At this point in my life I was a lonely, geeky smart girl who sort of just blended into the background. I was helping Ms. Mac (I'll have to tell you about her...some other time) with some marking when HE walked in. I'd never seen him before but boy oh boy, did I see him now. I looked at him, he looked at me, we continued doing our own thing but never talked. I later asked Ms. Mac who he was. His name was (is) Colin. I also learned he was an aspiring musician, quiet and completely brilliant.

He travelled in his circles and I travelled, well, by myself and I didn't see him again until just before the end of the school year. I was walking down the hallway and spotted him walking my way. I looked down and concentrated hard on the floor. As he walked by me, my heart skipped a beat. It's the only time in my life this happened to me. At this point, I'm crushing. Badly.

Next September, Grade 10. We have the same English class. I'm in love. Totally. I do nothing. He doesn't know I exist. Casual conversations regarding classes, homework etc. Nothing more. He dates someone else. I spend more time by myself. His relationship ends. He writes poetry, puts in on the board trying to 'win' her back (it was highschool. Give him a bit of a break). I'm liking him even more because now he's a tortured soul too. I'm still alone. That summer, I find out he's going to another school in September. I cry. Should have talked to him. I stay in bed feeling "sick" (broken heart) for 4 days. I lose 10 lbs in 3 weeks. :(

Grade 11. I see him on the first day. I've decided it's a sign. I have to make a move before it's too late. I now have a large circle of friends and am involved in more stuff than I can remember. We start to talk more often. Share some mutual friendships. I decide I need to talk to him. Onctober - I get his number from a girlfriend and call him. We talk. I ask him out for coffee. He says he doesn't like me in that way. Black.

I was devastated. I cried. Didn't know how I would ever get over it. He stopped talking to me completely. Pretended I wasn't there. That hurt even more. He did eventually talk to me again but it was strained and uncomfortable. The sad thing is that occasionally, I still think about him and what could have been.

Writing this down brought back someone else. Jake. Ah yes. The older, wiser man. He was in grade 12, I was in 11. We had the same first class, Cultural Studies, so our lockers were right next to each other. From the very first time we saw eachother it was an easy friendship. Our lockers were right next to eachother. He introduced me to Les Claypool and some wicked bands I'd never have cared about otherwise. We went to see Primus together with a bunch of friends. I played D&D just to spend time with him but it was never weird. I had a HUGE crush on him. I did see him a few years ago at a nightclub. He came up to me. I didn't recognize him with short hair. It was nice to see him and his GF was a sweety. I introduced them to Dan. They talked for an hour. How do you talk at a nightclub?

OK. I'm sorry for the rambling. I went off on a bit of tangent there.